Perashat Toledot 5779

Perashat Toledot 5779

Every word in the Torah is layered with meaning and purpose. When something is given a lot of coverage then it clearly demands our attention.

The Torah spends a lot of time talking about our Forefathers' struggles to have children. First is the long, difficult wait for Abraham and Sarah. Then we read about Ribka and Yitzhak and the depth of their prayers for children. Then there is Rachel who says to Yaakob, "Give me children! For if you can't I will die".

Something emerges from these intertwined stories of heartache and fulfilled dreams. What we see more than anything else is how important children were to them. For Abraham it is more important than anything God could bless him with, "There is nothing you can give me, for I am barren." As for Rachel, it was clearly more important than life itself!

What is this premium placed on having children? Why is it so important?

There seems to be something deep inside our souls pushing us to bring these children into the world, even if they are very expensive, often demanding and eternally bored. And that's just when they are young. Sometimes I think teenagers are so named because they are teens, and they are agers. They age us. Of course, I'm not talking about my kids. Mine are teenangels (just in case they read this).

Some would say that the drive to have children is simply biological, and that we are programmed to procreate in order to sustain our species. However, sustainability levels are achieved at 2.1 children per household. Even today with overall numbers down, Jewish families typically have more children then the average. Additionally, if that truly was the reason, you could just pay someone to have more kids and still go on vacation or to sleep.

Others suggest that it is a way to deal with our mortality. Rachel's cry hardly sounds like mortality is the issue! There must be another reason.
Still, others feel that the drive is predicated on one's need to give love, but then it shouldn't really matter at all if the child is yours or not. Can you imagine a mom standing outside the nursery window in the hospital saying, "Bring me any of them! It doesn't matter which one is mine!" That would never happen. So what is it then?

I would like to suggest an idea that I find fascinating.

Rav Tzadok HaKohen writes that the true nature of anything can be discerned by analyzing its first mention in the Torah. The context and definition in the text of the Torah sets the parameters for understanding the essence of the issue in question, which made me think. What is the name of the first child in the Torah? And why was he called that? Whatever that child was named would define not only him, but all children to come.

Chava, or Eve, calls the first child ever born, Kayin. "Kaniti ish Et Hashem". The word koneh can mean to acquire, but it also means to create. "I have Created a man with Hashem". The drive to procreate is to literally CREATE. God is the creator. We are the created, and in everything that we do, we are reminded of that distinction. Sure we can take the money and turn it into a product, then sell that and buy something else. However, it always started with something. Your cake started with flour and eggs. Your house started with plywood and nails. Everything we make comes from something else, except for a child. All I need is myself and my spouse and then together we can create a child, using only ourselves. In that space, we are like God Himself. We have become creators and not just the created. I made this, and that fulfills a part of us which runs very deep.

Judaism teaches that the innermost self of each of us is a "Chelek Elokah MiMaal", a "piece of God from on high". This deepest self is a spark of God Himself. Just as He desired to create our world and the people in it, this mini version of His Spirit in us is driven to do the same. 

But here is the catch. God said, "Let us make man in our image". God created creators. Sometimes when we do what He did, and we say "Let US make a child in OUR image", we do it very differently. We want the child to be exactly like us. We live out our dreams through them. We force the opportunities we missed onto their lives, even if they don't want it. It is the challenge each parent faces with their child. IN WHICH PART OF YOUR IMAGE ARE YOU CREATING THIS CHILD? The created part or the creator part? After making this new being, will we give it the space to take its own path and find its own way? Will we allow the child to create its own road? Can we let go? 

What is amazing to think about is the fact that "Kaniti ish Et Hashem" can mean either "I have created a man WITH Hashem" or "I have created a man LIKE Hashem". 

Which we choose to do is up to US.

The letters that spell the word for child in Hebrew are י-ל-ד, yeled and are the same letters that spell the word ד-ל-י, or the bucket used at a well. You can drink from the well, but the bucket allows someone to take the water and bring it home or use it later. The ideal nature of a parent-child relationship is not when they live by or in the well. It is when they can draw from the well of your wisdom and then take that away and apply it to their own path, or remember what they've learned from you later when they raise their own children. When we can do that we are truly creating Creators, masters of their own destinies, and writers of their own stories.
Having children is one of life's greatest blessings. May Hashem bless our blessings, and allow us the strength to let them become themselves.

Shabbat Shalom, 
Rabbi Shlomo Farhi