Perashat Mikess 5779

Perashat Mikess 5779

The stakes are high, and the drama is intense. For all intents and purposes Yosef has thrown down the gauntlet. The brothers are at his mercy.

"You are spies...If you want to live, this is what you will do. I will arrest one of you (Shimon) and the rest will return to Canaan and bring me your youngest brother!"

They have to return to him with Binyamin to show that they were telling the truth about their family, and that they aren't the spies and crooks he suspects them to be. They breathe a collective sigh of relief as they make their way home. However difficult it is going to be to bring Binyamin back against the wishes of their grieving father, at least they know what they need to do in order to fix the situation and get Shimon back. They also have food for their starving families.

By the time they return home they realize that the money they had brought to Egypt to pay for the food was still in their bags along with the food. The chance that they would be seen as honest people who just came to buy food had suddenly plummeted. They were terrified, "And their hearts went out and they turned to one another trembling". I imagine the words "their hearts went out" to mean the way it feels when you are so afraid it feels like your heart is beating its way out of your chest. What could they do??

The brothers decide to speak to their father, Yaakob Abinu. He cannot begin to believe what he is hearing. There is no way on earth he would allow them to take Binyamin down to see this tyrant in Egypt! He tells them, "I've lost one son to a wild animal, a second is in chains in Egypt and you want me to send my youngest?" 

Yaakob eventually comes to the conclusion that if he doesn't allow Binyamin to go with his brothers the whole family will die of starvation. Thus he says to them, "If this is how it must be, bring him a present of the gifts of our land, bring back the money that you found in your sacks, and may God grant you mercy before the man".

From those few words the Chafetz Chaim learns the most profound lesson, the power of words. With such an effective master of prayer such as Yaakob at their disposal, why didn't Yaakob just curse this evil man who was causing them all such trouble and heartache? But Yaakob didn't want to pray against anyone, or have angry bitter harmful words escape his lips. He controlled his emotions and only spoke with a positive outlook. This lesson was one that Yaakob had learned the hard way. 
 
When leaving Laban's home, he was accused of stealing Laban's idols. Yaakob, was so hurt by the accusation, that he, a man of impeccable honesty, had stolen the objects that he cried out, "The one by whom your idols will be found shall die!" What he didn't know was that Rachel had taken them. The Talmud tells us that this unwitting and unintentional curse uttered by the Tzaddik caused Rachel to die earlier than her time. So Yaakob learned to be even more careful with the way he spoke and wouldn't wish anything bad upon another. 
 
And here's the kicker, says the Chafetz Chaim (I'm paraphrasing, obviously!). Just imagine if he had let his anger get the best of him. The terrible words he might have spoken would have killed the very son he loved so much because after all, behind that mask was Yosef!
 
Isn't this always the case? The words that spill out, that we think will make us feel better, that blow off steam, don't they always come back to haunt us? Don't they wind up hurting us more than they've helped us? The stressful situation passes, but the tough cutting words remain. And like with Rachel, somehow the ones we hurt the most always turn out to be the ones we love the most!
 
In a shocking study 61% of people polled said that they anticipated fighting with family over the holidays. Why? It's such a beautiful time!
 
Terri Orbuch, a relationship expert and sociology professor at Oakland University, sheds some light: "We think this should be a perfect time, the food will be perfect, and our conversations will be respectful. But when our realities don't match that, we get frustrated." The images we have of a perfect day or a perfect spouse, child or parent relationship is equally likely to cause the same mistake.
 
So let us spend this holy and beautiful time of Hanukkah with the ones we love and enjoy the beauty without expecting the perfection. A kid is definitely going to cry. Someone is guaranteed to be late. We need to remember who it is that we are directing our harsh words towards, and what they mean to us broadly, if not in this moment. And that the last time we just let things get said, we wished we could get them back. We can, by not saying them in the first place!
 
Shabbat Shalom and Happy Hanukkah!
Rabbi Shlomo Farhi